ARRRRGHH!     Gosh now I wonder if I should have just left well enough alone and dealt with my anger and disappointment on my own.  Well I did that anyway.  I guess what I mean with on my own is to just deal with it all internally and not question. 

For future reference to myself.  Calling counselor with questions is not a good idea.  Well it's a good idea if it's your personal counselor whom you see on a regular basis.  It's not a good idea when it's your mates counselor and you've been to visit a couple of times for a support type of meeting.

Case in point.  Fathers Day last.  Yep just this last Sunday.  The one with the issues posted about earlier.  Well Monday I called said counselor.  Left messasge.  Said we had issues I wanted to discuss with her.  Namely said Fathers Day issue.  Along with the marriage counselling...support groups....etc.  And the biggie ... we haven't even begun to hit any of our stuff.  Our conversations are brief, maybe 2-3 times a week.  About the weather type stuff.

So I questioned.  And I didn't like what I found out.  Seems he's been telling said counselor everything is fine.  We don't need to continue.  We converse great.  Um.... hello.  Who the hell have you been talking to?  Sure as hell isn't me.  See above.

And that he can continue with the support and groups as long as he's at the TLC program.  Next step from half-way house to freedom.  Notice she said "he".  Ummm does that mean I'm not needed for support anymore.  Or for counseling.  GRRRR.  She said that she would talk to him tonight.  Set up a meeting with me and him and her.  So I told her...from experience.  If he baulks at the meeting cause I called you and contradicting his statements to you then drop it.  I got my answer.  We don't need counseling after that.  Why the hell should I continue putting out the extra work for the relationship side.

I mean torture is all fine as long as it's fun and enjoyable and both parties want to participate.  But no thanks.  I don't need to be jerked around like that anymore.  I've done enough.  So we'll see.  I'm sure I'll either continue to be ignored .... or I'll get a phone call from a very pissed of male that I'm interfering in his recovery again. 

And I'll say it again like I did on Father's Day....  You better start investing some time in your family before you family isn't there for you anymore.  GRRRRRR.

I had a good night last night.  Even with my mini tirade yesterday morning at my oldest daughter.  I didn't tell you about that.  It was left over stress related.  Just couldn't deal with anything anymore and she whined one to many times. 

But anyway.  Last night was better.  The girls had vacation bible school last night.  My folks picked them up from daycare and took them over to the church for that.  So I got to take my time getting home.  Stopped and bought the oldest some capri's.  She's grown out of all her clothes.  Only good thing about that is that with summer shorts still fit.  She hasn't gotten heavier but sh has gotten taller. 

After that I stopped at KFC.  I have been thinking, smelling and envisioning KFC for a week now.  I just couldn't hold out any longer.  Boy it was good. 

Visited with my brother for a bit.  Then spent some time alone.  Meditating and reading the pages on disappointment in my books.  They were very good.  Lots of insight.  The biggest of which is that I needn't give up hoping that things will be better.  That joy and sorrow go hand in hand.  For without sorrow we know not the true meaning and fullness of joy. 

This was a quote on one of the pages too.  It's beautiful.

                    "...when we long for life without ... difficulties, remind us that oaks grow 

                    strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."

I'll be the diamond that will shine brightly. 

Not sure what happened.  It was there.  Then some was gone.  Then it was back.  Then more missing.   GRRRRR

I don't remember what I wrote.  It was good though.  Suffice it to say.  Father's Day sucked.  I know it's supposed to be a day for fathers.  Doing whatever fathers want to do.  But hey.... you need to be present to be a father.  And until that point you get no rights to the hoopla of it.

But anyways...I've found that I still have a long ways to go.  A lot of growing to do yet.  And I can still be a little bit witchy. 

And I still get sucked into the Happy Ever After ideal. 

Well I've once again let things slide.  That is so easy to do for most people.  For me it's even easier.  one of my character defects.  Not necessarily a bad thing it's part of who I am.  I tend to get lazy.  And lazy for me is not sitting back and taking a break.  It's more a sitting back and perceiving things in such a way that it makes it easier for me to deal with.  At least until I get smacked in the gut with reality and then it's a big mess.

Case in point - Father's Day.  I was lazing along under the impression that things were improving.  Well they were going good.  B was being good.  At least that is if you consider being good having a job (yea he's got one now), going to his meetings (yep he's still sober) and sleeping, going good.  He hasn't had any other outside requirements.  Oh and the occasional mean game of Spades.  So anyway to get back to the case in point.

We had made arrangements to meet for Father's Day brunch.  It was for 10:30.  I found out at 8:30 that the reservations were made under my brothers name.  (it was the hotel restaurant where he works that we were going)  So I tried calling B at 9:30 to let him know.  No answer.  I tried 2 more times before 10:15.  Even tried the half-way house which is a whole nother issue that torked my boat. 

B finally calls at 10:25.  He tries to say I told him the reservations were at 9:30.  Um no.  Church is until 9:30.  It turns out that he's not coming.  Why?  Cause he wasn't feeling good.  So I told him calmly to explain that to his children and handed the phone to the oldest.  When the phone gets back around to me I tell him that it would be a good idea if he hauled but down to the restaurant.  He's sick.  Been sick since Sat. afternoon with the diareaha.  He was going to the walk-in.  Blah Blah Blah.  Well lets just say my fuse blew.  You know the short one that goes with my height.  So I tell him that it would be in his best interest to start investing some time in his family before his family isn't there for him anymore.  So we get the BoooHooo's again.  I'm a witch cause he's not feeling good.  So I just repeated the comment again and hung up on him.

Childish?  Sure.  But it was a lot better than what I was heading towards.  A big blow up.  Yelling. Ranting. Crying.  The girls don't need to see that if I can help it.  We proceed with brunch.  The oldest is acting up a tad and my mom tells her to be good cause mommy can't deal with anymore right now.  What's wrong with mommy.  Is she mad at daddy?  Thank goodness mom was there.  And in a way I kinda was wishing she wasn't.  Why?  Well her comment was the kick in the gut of reality I was talking about earlier.  What did she say?  Honey your mommy is just upset right now cause daddy disappointed her again.  Ouch.

Well in thinking on it.  She's right.  I was going along the easy route again.  Lazy.  Yep.  Happily swimming along thinking things were improving.  He had a job.  He was still sober.  Yep important.  But Also I didn't stop to think about any of the other stuff.  The family investment.  Until then.  Then it was like.  Hey.  I'm tired.  I've been with the girls' non-stop since February.  In essence a single parent since then.  Well really I'd been a single parent much longer but that was when the hard facts of it set in.  When you could look and see it from the outside.  The girls and I were in a seperate location from their father.

Oh sure I have my folks.  But I try not to put too much on them.  They've raised their family already.  They deserve to be the grandparents not the disciplinarians.  But day in and day out.  Getting them up.  Explaining issues to them.  Making sure they are bathed.  Making sure their hurts are taken care of.  Providing the strong moral background for them so they can grow up decent. That's been all me.  I'm proud of how I'm doing in light of it all.  But dang it's hard.  I want a break too.  Even 2 hours would be nice.  2 hours to myself.  No kids.  No family.  No friends.  Just me.  To be able to think.  To get myself back on an even footing again.  So that the little things don't send me off the edge. 

But for now since that doesn't seem to be a possibility.  I'll just pray.  Pray that I find an answer.  A solution.  To what makes me get lazy.  To provide the easy way out for people.  And hopefully I'll be able to see that laziness sooner next time so the kick in the gut isn't as hard to take.

Ok I'm having an issue with people and their christian behavior ... or lack thereof.  I help out with our Sunday school classes.  I teach the kindergarten level.  I figure start with the basics and build.  So my main focus was the 10 commandments.  I didn't worry so much about the wording of them.   At that age as long as the priciple idea was there it was all good.  I'm proud of my kids.  They know the commandments.  We use pictures and simple words but still they get the idea.  Love only God.  Use God's name right.  Go to church.  Love your parents.  Don't Hurt others.  Love your wife or husband.  Don't Steal.  Don't Lie.  Don't be jealous of other people.  Don't be jealous of other peoples things.  They even know that the first three help us to Love God and the other 7 help us to love other people.

Well here's the thing.  The second grade class doesn't remember them.  They were supposed to do First Communion and First Reconciliation.  But how can you do that if you don't have the basic understanding of things you've done wrong.  Well the second grade teacher felt that way too.  And she had said that some of the kids weren't ready.  She didn't think they should have the sacraments this year.  Our priest was fine with that.  Until ... the council got wind of it.  One gal had two granddaughters in the class.  Her reasoning is they have all their lives to learn it.

True.  But how can they learn it if they don't come to class or church regularly.  Or if their parents don't think it's important.  Shrug.  One girl even had her mom doing her assignments.  Um Hello - you already learned that maybe you should be helping your child understand the love God has for us.  The grandma even commented - Well if we don't let them receive first communion how are we going to keep them coming to church.  Hmmmm - they're kids.  Their parents bring them? 

It got so bad that the teacher quit, left the church and is going to another church.  Wow.  Not a single person supported her.  At least not the ones that should have.  Which is a shame.  From there the christianity just fell straight to the bottom of the barrel.  We are almost a church divided.  Rich big families on one side.  Everyone else on the other. 

All the kids got to have the sacraments on Sunday.  But I have to say the christian faith in some is alive and well.  One of the parents of the kids receiveing first communion stood up at the end of Mass and stated that we should all give a special prayer of thanks for the teacher that left and all her hard work that she put into preparing the kids for First Communion and First Reconciliation.

I say Bravo to her.  I'd like to think I'm as well of a shining example of a christian being.

It's been forever since I've been here.  Been busy journaling on hard paper.  Assignments for therapy.  B had a relapse.  It was over Easter weekend.  GRRRRRRRR.  I just had a feeling deep down in my bones that something was amiss.  But I turned it over to my Higher Power.  He took care of B in his time of need.  He started drinking at 5.  Was sufficiently drunk and feeling guilty by 9.  Trip and conked his noodle really good on a bed side table and gave himself a concussion that lasted a week.  Almost needed stitches.  He was back in the Treatment Center by 11 pm.  6 hours.  Not bad.  3 others from his group also had a relapse that weekend.  The last one finally came back 4 days later.  

He had to spend 3 days in intensive therapy again discussing the relapse and triggers.  I spent a week being pissed at him.  All of the usual complaints from him led up to the relapse.  It was a holiday, he was alone.  It was our oldests birthday, he was alone.  He had money in his pocket, he was alone.  He was stressed, he was alone.  Hmmm I think I see a pattern there.  He wasn't supposed to be alone.  He had a dinner party to attend.  Only good thing that came out of it is it really woke him up to the fact that it will be a daily battle for him.  And that he needs to work harder and depend on his higher power to help him fight the battle.

The girls are good.  We've had the battle of colds again.  Youngest had tubes placed in her ears again.  Has done wonders for the ear infections.  She has a doozy of a cold right now but the fluid is draining and not building up behind the eardrum.  Speech has taken off again also.  Although it's still hard to understand her when she whines.

B has been moved to the halfway house and we've started marriage counseling.  Not sure of the outcome but we're working on it.  I'm not asking for much.  Stay sober, keep a job, be able to take care of yourself.  He wants those things too.  So maybe down the road somewhere it will work out.  If nothing else we're learning who we are.  Me?  I'm a very emotional being.  My emotions drive me.  Stress gets my emotions going and from there it goes downhill.  I'm learning to see the downhill slide earlier so I can back up and take care of myself and reduce the stress.  Hard but doable.  Only one major slide down to the chaotic - I'm pissed at you so I'm going to lash out at you incorrectly - area.

That's not to bad.  And I only stayed there for 3 days.  Instead of weeks.  Improvement I'd say.  Not quite an A grade yet but getting there.  And with help from my Higher Power and handing over to Him things which I couldn't deal with has been a sturdy rock to keep me on firm ground.

Easter should be a time of joy.  Reflecting on a new beginning.  That the Lord sacrificed his life for us so that we would be saved.  Normally I'm able to get into the the whole Easter holiday joy.  To feel the love of the Lord right down to the tips of my toes.  I'm having trouble feeling that this year.

I'm overwhelmed by sadness.  I had thought it was fear for B and his upcoming weekend of freedom again.  He has decided that he doesn't want to put anyone out for the holiday season so he's opted to sleep in the great outdoors.  Well weather wise it's not too bad.  It is supposed to be highs in the upper 40's and lows in the upper teens.  So he won't freeze.  He'll have his sleeping bag.  And of course the car will keep most of the weather out. 

But last night while at church I sat there reflecting in the quietness of the pew.  Yes I had quiet.  My lovely daughters were so well behaved that I thought someone had duct taped them to the pews and stuck suckers in their mouths to keep them quiet.  Not so.  They sat there quietly playing with their new birthday presents.  Magnetic Polly Pockets ®.  So taking advantage of the true peace I was feeling I was able to have a very deep conversation with God. 

I was able to see that I wasn't scared, angry or hurt anymore.  That my true underlying feeling was sadness.  Sadness for B and sadness for my girls.  This is a time for family.  For celebration.  And because of our circumstances my husband is left out on his own.  He won't have family to wake up to on Easter Morning and be joyful with.  He does have plans for an Easter meal but it won't be with his family. 

The sadness hit me during our therapy session on Wednesday.  We were discussing the upcoming weekend.  That was when I'd learned of his change of plans.  I can understand his reasoning.  He doesn't want to come and be with us, see the girls, play with the girls, eat a nice family meal, and then have to leave the house like a visitor.  He said it would be too hard on him to have all of that and then have to walk out into the night and spend the night alone. 

I'm also saddened by all that he has lost.  Family, home, job.  He really does have next to nothing.  And I sat there in the pew and cried tears inside while I talked to God.  I asked him to relieve my sadness.  He hasn't yet.  I must have to feel this for a bit yet.  I asked him to take care of my husband.  That he has answered.  He has a place to stay tonight with a nice meal.  And he does have his plans for an Easter meal.  And the nights?  Well I have been cloaked in a peace that he will be safe.  Whether he has a warm bed to rest in or the back seat of the car.  I was infused with a feeling that everything would turn out the way it was meant to be. 

And although the sadness has not lifted.  I am grateful for what I do have.  My children.  Our health.  A job I enjoy.  And a husband that is still in recovery.  And I am grateful for the sadness.  It has shown me that true joy when I have it should be cherished.  It has also given me a new look at Easter.  I was always able to see the joyfulness of Easter and His rising.  But to feel this sadness at this specific time has shown me that the time leading up to Easter was full of sadness.  So I will follow the feeling the Lord has planned for me and I will rejoice when that sadness is lifted from my shoulders.

Happy Easter one and all.  My your Easter Season be filled with the Light and Love of the Lord. 

I hadn't meant to take such a long break from posting.  And I can use the usual list of interfering factors - sickness, boss needing me more than usual at work, therapy sessions, meetings, daisy scouts, friends, bowling.

But in all honesty life was just sailing along.  I encountered a few bumps.  But in my personal growth it was much easier to turn those over to someone much more capable of worrying about them than me, God.  It was a nice change.  I didn't fight it.  Which in itself is amazing.  I usually fight to keep control.  I hadn't realized that was an issue with me until I took a long hard look at myself and behaviors I had.  WHEW!  Some of the controlling is a side issue from the lack of control while B was actively drinking.  A learned behavior that was subtle, insinuating itself slowly until I didn't even realize I was greedy in my need to control.

So when I was faced with the first weekend of B's freedom (he's moved to partial treatment now and has weekends free away from the hospital) I was surprised at how I was able to say a prayer everytime I began to worry or wonder where he was.  And the peace I felt at being able to let go of that and concentrate on the things that I did need to be a part of (the girls were both sick again this past week, grrrr) was simply amazing to me.  My need to control and have all the info was sorely tested that weekend.  But I survived.  And I am so proud of myself for not breaking down and stalking around town making sure he was safe and not at some bar.

I also have realized that I'm not as rigid in my viewpoint when it comes to my Higher Power.  B has had a lack of spiritual guidance for his entire life.  Not that I don't think he didn't want to believe but more of the fact that he didn't know how to believe.  The whole concept of something bigger than him was mind boggling.  But he has taken a few tentative steps onto the path of a faith in a Higher Power.  He went to church this past Sunday.  It was what they called a Recovery Service.  Geared toward the recovering alcoholic.  He really liked it.  Had mentioned that I should join him some Sunday. 

I'm open to that.  It'll have to wait until Sunday school is done.  I have to finish teaching classes.  But I'm willing to go and have an open mind about it.  I was surprised by my mom's comment.  Well you'll just have to tell them it doesn't take the place of your own service.  Well I don't have to tell them anything really.  If I go, I go.  If I don't, I don't.  Will I have to go to two services for that day?  I'm thinking that my Higher Power will be with me which ever building I'm sitting in.  So I will just have to have a little conversation with my Higher Power and see if He agrees. 

I've also in the last two weeks come to the decision that our paths, B and I, are on a parallel course at the moment.  We are both working at looking at our own unhealthy behaviors and changing them.  B's drinking wasn't the only thing unhealthy between us.  Lack of communication, stubbornness, pride, priorities, boundaries.  All of those are beginning to get better.  We've got a long way to go.  And at some point we'll be able to see if our paths merge again.  But for now I am comfortable with where we are at. 

That's not to say I don't miss having B around.  I do.  A ton some days.  Those are the days that are the hardest for me.  The days I spend a lot of time in introspection.  The days I come across as moody.  It's hard just turning off sixteen years of caring.  Fourteen years of listening to him snore and breathe while he slept.  Of having the TV channel changed on me.  Irritating yes, but I miss it which is entirely bizarre.  Of sharing bedtime routines and saturday morning brunches in bed. 

Absence has given me a chance to see the good things we shared again.  The little things that were taken for granted in the chaos created by B's active drinking phase.  I've gotten past the hurt of having our lives turned upside down.  And I'm beginning to put my life back together again.  I feel good about that.  Changes aren't so scary as they once were.  The biggest thing that has helped is knowing that B is just as scared as I am.  And we are able to talk about that.  We've begun to share our fears and our hopes again for the girls, for ourselves. 

Two weeks is a long time.  A lot of growth.  New friends.  New ideas.  New hopes. 

So much to write about.  The meeting Friday night was wonderful.  It was definitely the place God wanted me to be at the time.  It felt right.  It felt peaceful.  And I was really glad to see B at his meeting and getting his 24 hour medallion.  I didn't get to hear what he said as I stood just outside the doorway.  The last we heard from their group was that they wanted us to respect their privacy and not come in.  And since we didn't have time to ask a member of his meeting we left it at that.  I was in the room in spirit and B knew that.  We arranged to meet at the doors afterward.  So I still got to congratulate him and to see his medallion.

The guys got a true test after the meeting.  The center forgot to come pick them up.  They all stood around outside the building for 45 minutes after everyone left.  Which was ok in that aspect.  It was a beautiful night.  They got a longer period of fresh air.  The test however was just a block and a half away was a big old neon light blinking ON/OFF Sale.  Yikes.  They joked around a bit about pooling their money and such but no one really wanted to do it.  What a powerful test from the Lord especially in the early stages.

Saturday night I went into the center for a open meeting for patients and family and former patients/family.  It was good.  I got to sit next to B.  And it was really nice.  The meeting is chaired by one of the patients which is good and next Saturday B is chairing it.  We visited for a bit afterwards.  And then one of the other patients wife and I walked out together.  We talked in the parking lot for another 20 minutes.  It was really good.  A new friend.  Which is good, it will be a healthy couple friendship that B and I can possibly nurture together at some point.

Sunday was wonderful and scary at times.  The girls were excited to see daddy.  They were even more excited to find out that daddy got to go with us somewhere.  Plus having it be someplace fun, a kids play place at the mall, made their day.  B and I had been discussing things and had finally come to an understanding about getting the R ears pierced.  He wanted to wait until she was 12 before he started treatment.  He was able to see that she's ready for them.  So that was an additional surprise for her.  She was so thrilled.  Until the snapped the earrings in.  Then she cried.  Even with daddy holding her hands.  But then daddy was the one that picked her up and comforted her.  That was a big plus for him that day.

Scary parts were when B had to run to the restroom at the mall.  I started having all sorts of bad thoughts about him stopping at any of the restaurants there and getting a beer.  I had to force myself not to follow him.  And was able to stop just short of keeping my eye's rooted to the direction of the bathroom.  Then when we went to lunch it didn't even phase me that the place had a bar in it until the waiter started running down their specials.  Um... can you go away please?  But we both just shook our heads no and asked for a diet coke.  Not bad.  A bit nerve racking but we managed.

Also during lunch we were talking about how nice a day it was.  Weather wise, conversation wise, just generally.  R was sitting next to me and she just smiled the sweet innocent smile of a 5 year old and goes ..."Isn't it fun without drinking?"   Oh my!!  My head started spinning.  Yikes. Diffuse situation quick!  But B was a trooper.  He just looked at her and goes.  Yes.  Yes it is. And it's just the beginning.

So things are getting better.  Communication is still open.  Worries and apprehensions are still there.  I'm not good at waiting.  I want to know the outcome now.  I think the Lord is giving me another test.  All good things come to those who wait...that is the saying.  Well I'll make an effort to wait.  Not saying I'll like it or it will be easy.  But I'm willing to try.  I just have to remember that things will come about when they are ready to. 

Last night was Family Meeting night.  It's from 5:30 - 7:30.  However they had two residents flip out before 5 so B called to tell me that.  And told me to wait until 6 to come.  Well they started at 5:30 anyway.  GRRRR.  Hate walking in late.  And then one of the residents is still flipping out.  So not only am I stressed but now my nerves are being irritated. 

I got through the meeting.  Wasn't sure how it was going to go.  And not prepared at all for it.  I was under the impression that I could just sit there.  But they visit each family within the group and ask questions.  How they feel.  Where they are at.  What they expect.  Not prepared at all.  They saved us for last.  Good thing they ask leading questions cause I didn't have a clue what to say. 

But it took from 6 until 7 to get the hissy girl to shut up so I couldn't hear her anymore.  And then it was our turn to be in the spotlight so to speak.  Nervous as hell.  Cried a bit due to emotions.  I really don't remember much of what was said now.  I know that I was asked what I want for  B and I do remember saying that I want him to stay sober.  To develope a relationship with his girls.  That I want him to know that he can take care of himself, respect himself, love himself.

B had said that he didn't know why I stayed with him.  Why I was even at the meeting last night.  That he really screwed up our relationship with the alcohol and that he didn't want to hurt me anymore.  That was surprising.  And made me cry more.  Why?  I'm not really sure.  Maybe a sense of relief that it wasn't just me.  That I did perceive the situation correctly.  That I wasn't crazy.  Who knows.  I just know that it tugged at something.

But by the time we were done I was ready to get the hell out of there.  I needed space.  I needed to be able to breath without having to think about it.  So I took off right away.  Went to my friends where the kiddo's were.  I was hungry as I hadn't eaten yet so I started eating a bowl of chili.  The stress and the emotions hit.  And my bowl of chili didn't stay with me.  Talk about a body's unconscious response.  Wow.

****

Today we had our family therapy session.  I had to wait when I got there.  B was already in with the mediator.  They were going over a few things.  So then I got to go in and we started where we left off last week.  With the push/pull dynamics of our relationship.  And how I dumped a lot of stuff in his lap last week.  And B's reaction to it.  Slam the wall up.  And how I perceived that the wall was half way up already and I was throwing what I could over the wall before he shut it.

We got alot of the hurt and anger out.  But in a healthy way.  I didn't have to yell at him for him to hear it.  I was able to tell him how I felt about his suicide attempt 2 years ago.  And how the recent direction towards that again just 4 weeks ago brought all the pain of that back.  And how I resented that he couldn't see that we cared about him and needed him and he could only think of the easy way out.  And that I'd be left behind with that legacy and would have to be reminded of it each and everyday that I looked at our girls. 

He talked about his hurt that I had people to turn to.  That he let his drinking drive away all his friends.  That he drank us into financial ruin.  And that he had a lot to correct.  And we talked a little about what he's been going through while in the program.  And what he wants.  And timelines and such.  Looks like we are both on the same page as far as a timeline.  1 - 2 years to get things worked out, if we do. 

The mediator was able to get us to see how we had feeling of rejection on both sides.  And that our communication needs to be centered on what we actually hear not how we feel at the moment.  And when she says that she said she meant that we both need to stay centered on the conversation and not let our feelings dictate what we may think we hear. 

And we talked some on how we both need to feel connected.  That we lost touch of the emotional connection.  That any physical demonstation (hand holding) is going to be stinted in where the emotional connection is.  And that B being a male needed the physical connection to make him feel needed and I being a woman needed an emotional connection before any physical connection was going to be achieved.  Rather interesting.  I know all that as for book knowledge.  But actually feeling that is entirely different. 

I've got a lot of food for thought.  I've got my meeting tonight so that is good.  B gets his 24 hour medallion tonight.  So I asked him if he wanted me there when he got it.  He started in on the I don't know how it's run.  So I had to repeat the question.  And the mediator interjected and told him that I was telling him it was his choice, his decision.  So he said yes.  So tonight when I get there I'll make sure we can do that.  I've seen it done before so I think I can.  If not I'll just wait until the meeting is over to see him.

And he gets a 4 hour pass this weekend.  And that's what started our session.  They were discussing that before I got there.  They were going to let him go today if we wanted to.  And I said that I didn't know if he wanted to spend time alone with me.  She asked what B might have said or done that gave me impression.  Well since all time together had been with the kids or in the family session last night and he'd expressed no interest in having me come up alone I just thought that he was more comfortable when there were others around.  He really didn't feel that way at all but he didn't know that I needed to hear that.

Interesting how the mind works.    We'll have another session set up for next week.  And I'll be at the Thursday night meeting again.  And we'll have our Sunday outing.  But for now I'm just concentrating on tonight.  I've got my own meeting to go to and it'll be good to just go and get some grounding in my own self again.