Well I've once again let things slide.  That is so easy to do for most people.  For me it's even easier.  one of my character defects.  Not necessarily a bad thing it's part of who I am.  I tend to get lazy.  And lazy for me is not sitting back and taking a break.  It's more a sitting back and perceiving things in such a way that it makes it easier for me to deal with.  At least until I get smacked in the gut with reality and then it's a big mess.

Case in point - Father's Day.  I was lazing along under the impression that things were improving.  Well they were going good.  B was being good.  At least that is if you consider being good having a job (yea he's got one now), going to his meetings (yep he's still sober) and sleeping, going good.  He hasn't had any other outside requirements.  Oh and the occasional mean game of Spades.  So anyway to get back to the case in point.

We had made arrangements to meet for Father's Day brunch.  It was for 10:30.  I found out at 8:30 that the reservations were made under my brothers name.  (it was the hotel restaurant where he works that we were going)  So I tried calling B at 9:30 to let him know.  No answer.  I tried 2 more times before 10:15.  Even tried the half-way house which is a whole nother issue that torked my boat. 

B finally calls at 10:25.  He tries to say I told him the reservations were at 9:30.  Um no.  Church is until 9:30.  It turns out that he's not coming.  Why?  Cause he wasn't feeling good.  So I told him calmly to explain that to his children and handed the phone to the oldest.  When the phone gets back around to me I tell him that it would be a good idea if he hauled but down to the restaurant.  He's sick.  Been sick since Sat. afternoon with the diareaha.  He was going to the walk-in.  Blah Blah Blah.  Well lets just say my fuse blew.  You know the short one that goes with my height.  So I tell him that it would be in his best interest to start investing some time in his family before his family isn't there for him anymore.  So we get the BoooHooo's again.  I'm a witch cause he's not feeling good.  So I just repeated the comment again and hung up on him.

Childish?  Sure.  But it was a lot better than what I was heading towards.  A big blow up.  Yelling. Ranting. Crying.  The girls don't need to see that if I can help it.  We proceed with brunch.  The oldest is acting up a tad and my mom tells her to be good cause mommy can't deal with anymore right now.  What's wrong with mommy.  Is she mad at daddy?  Thank goodness mom was there.  And in a way I kinda was wishing she wasn't.  Why?  Well her comment was the kick in the gut of reality I was talking about earlier.  What did she say?  Honey your mommy is just upset right now cause daddy disappointed her again.  Ouch.

Well in thinking on it.  She's right.  I was going along the easy route again.  Lazy.  Yep.  Happily swimming along thinking things were improving.  He had a job.  He was still sober.  Yep important.  But Also I didn't stop to think about any of the other stuff.  The family investment.  Until then.  Then it was like.  Hey.  I'm tired.  I've been with the girls' non-stop since February.  In essence a single parent since then.  Well really I'd been a single parent much longer but that was when the hard facts of it set in.  When you could look and see it from the outside.  The girls and I were in a seperate location from their father.

Oh sure I have my folks.  But I try not to put too much on them.  They've raised their family already.  They deserve to be the grandparents not the disciplinarians.  But day in and day out.  Getting them up.  Explaining issues to them.  Making sure they are bathed.  Making sure their hurts are taken care of.  Providing the strong moral background for them so they can grow up decent. That's been all me.  I'm proud of how I'm doing in light of it all.  But dang it's hard.  I want a break too.  Even 2 hours would be nice.  2 hours to myself.  No kids.  No family.  No friends.  Just me.  To be able to think.  To get myself back on an even footing again.  So that the little things don't send me off the edge. 

But for now since that doesn't seem to be a possibility.  I'll just pray.  Pray that I find an answer.  A solution.  To what makes me get lazy.  To provide the easy way out for people.  And hopefully I'll be able to see that laziness sooner next time so the kick in the gut isn't as hard to take.