Easter should be a time of joy.  Reflecting on a new beginning.  That the Lord sacrificed his life for us so that we would be saved.  Normally I'm able to get into the the whole Easter holiday joy.  To feel the love of the Lord right down to the tips of my toes.  I'm having trouble feeling that this year.

I'm overwhelmed by sadness.  I had thought it was fear for B and his upcoming weekend of freedom again.  He has decided that he doesn't want to put anyone out for the holiday season so he's opted to sleep in the great outdoors.  Well weather wise it's not too bad.  It is supposed to be highs in the upper 40's and lows in the upper teens.  So he won't freeze.  He'll have his sleeping bag.  And of course the car will keep most of the weather out. 

But last night while at church I sat there reflecting in the quietness of the pew.  Yes I had quiet.  My lovely daughters were so well behaved that I thought someone had duct taped them to the pews and stuck suckers in their mouths to keep them quiet.  Not so.  They sat there quietly playing with their new birthday presents.  Magnetic Polly Pockets ®.  So taking advantage of the true peace I was feeling I was able to have a very deep conversation with God. 

I was able to see that I wasn't scared, angry or hurt anymore.  That my true underlying feeling was sadness.  Sadness for B and sadness for my girls.  This is a time for family.  For celebration.  And because of our circumstances my husband is left out on his own.  He won't have family to wake up to on Easter Morning and be joyful with.  He does have plans for an Easter meal but it won't be with his family. 

The sadness hit me during our therapy session on Wednesday.  We were discussing the upcoming weekend.  That was when I'd learned of his change of plans.  I can understand his reasoning.  He doesn't want to come and be with us, see the girls, play with the girls, eat a nice family meal, and then have to leave the house like a visitor.  He said it would be too hard on him to have all of that and then have to walk out into the night and spend the night alone. 

I'm also saddened by all that he has lost.  Family, home, job.  He really does have next to nothing.  And I sat there in the pew and cried tears inside while I talked to God.  I asked him to relieve my sadness.  He hasn't yet.  I must have to feel this for a bit yet.  I asked him to take care of my husband.  That he has answered.  He has a place to stay tonight with a nice meal.  And he does have his plans for an Easter meal.  And the nights?  Well I have been cloaked in a peace that he will be safe.  Whether he has a warm bed to rest in or the back seat of the car.  I was infused with a feeling that everything would turn out the way it was meant to be. 

And although the sadness has not lifted.  I am grateful for what I do have.  My children.  Our health.  A job I enjoy.  And a husband that is still in recovery.  And I am grateful for the sadness.  It has shown me that true joy when I have it should be cherished.  It has also given me a new look at Easter.  I was always able to see the joyfulness of Easter and His rising.  But to feel this sadness at this specific time has shown me that the time leading up to Easter was full of sadness.  So I will follow the feeling the Lord has planned for me and I will rejoice when that sadness is lifted from my shoulders.

Happy Easter one and all.  My your Easter Season be filled with the Light and Love of the Lord. 

I could feel your sadness in your post, Dawn. I pray that God has lifted it so that you can enjoy the sunshine and lightness of a new season in your life and on the planet. I hope you all had a wonderful Easter.

Hugs,
April

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