I hadn't meant to take such a long break from posting.  And I can use the usual list of interfering factors - sickness, boss needing me more than usual at work, therapy sessions, meetings, daisy scouts, friends, bowling.

But in all honesty life was just sailing along.  I encountered a few bumps.  But in my personal growth it was much easier to turn those over to someone much more capable of worrying about them than me, God.  It was a nice change.  I didn't fight it.  Which in itself is amazing.  I usually fight to keep control.  I hadn't realized that was an issue with me until I took a long hard look at myself and behaviors I had.  WHEW!  Some of the controlling is a side issue from the lack of control while B was actively drinking.  A learned behavior that was subtle, insinuating itself slowly until I didn't even realize I was greedy in my need to control.

So when I was faced with the first weekend of B's freedom (he's moved to partial treatment now and has weekends free away from the hospital) I was surprised at how I was able to say a prayer everytime I began to worry or wonder where he was.  And the peace I felt at being able to let go of that and concentrate on the things that I did need to be a part of (the girls were both sick again this past week, grrrr) was simply amazing to me.  My need to control and have all the info was sorely tested that weekend.  But I survived.  And I am so proud of myself for not breaking down and stalking around town making sure he was safe and not at some bar.

I also have realized that I'm not as rigid in my viewpoint when it comes to my Higher Power.  B has had a lack of spiritual guidance for his entire life.  Not that I don't think he didn't want to believe but more of the fact that he didn't know how to believe.  The whole concept of something bigger than him was mind boggling.  But he has taken a few tentative steps onto the path of a faith in a Higher Power.  He went to church this past Sunday.  It was what they called a Recovery Service.  Geared toward the recovering alcoholic.  He really liked it.  Had mentioned that I should join him some Sunday. 

I'm open to that.  It'll have to wait until Sunday school is done.  I have to finish teaching classes.  But I'm willing to go and have an open mind about it.  I was surprised by my mom's comment.  Well you'll just have to tell them it doesn't take the place of your own service.  Well I don't have to tell them anything really.  If I go, I go.  If I don't, I don't.  Will I have to go to two services for that day?  I'm thinking that my Higher Power will be with me which ever building I'm sitting in.  So I will just have to have a little conversation with my Higher Power and see if He agrees. 

I've also in the last two weeks come to the decision that our paths, B and I, are on a parallel course at the moment.  We are both working at looking at our own unhealthy behaviors and changing them.  B's drinking wasn't the only thing unhealthy between us.  Lack of communication, stubbornness, pride, priorities, boundaries.  All of those are beginning to get better.  We've got a long way to go.  And at some point we'll be able to see if our paths merge again.  But for now I am comfortable with where we are at. 

That's not to say I don't miss having B around.  I do.  A ton some days.  Those are the days that are the hardest for me.  The days I spend a lot of time in introspection.  The days I come across as moody.  It's hard just turning off sixteen years of caring.  Fourteen years of listening to him snore and breathe while he slept.  Of having the TV channel changed on me.  Irritating yes, but I miss it which is entirely bizarre.  Of sharing bedtime routines and saturday morning brunches in bed. 

Absence has given me a chance to see the good things we shared again.  The little things that were taken for granted in the chaos created by B's active drinking phase.  I've gotten past the hurt of having our lives turned upside down.  And I'm beginning to put my life back together again.  I feel good about that.  Changes aren't so scary as they once were.  The biggest thing that has helped is knowing that B is just as scared as I am.  And we are able to talk about that.  We've begun to share our fears and our hopes again for the girls, for ourselves. 

Two weeks is a long time.  A lot of growth.  New friends.  New ideas.  New hopes.