TiredLast night was Family Meeting night. It's from 5:30 - 7:30. However they had two residents flip out before 5 so B called to tell me that. And told me to wait until 6 to come. Well they started at 5:30 anyway. GRRRR. Hate walking in late. And then one of the residents is still flipping out. 
So not only am I stressed but now my nerves are being irritated.
I got through the meeting. Wasn't sure how it was going to go. And not prepared at all for it. I was under the impression that I could just sit there. But they visit each family within the group and ask questions. How they feel. Where they are at. What they expect. Not prepared at all. They saved us for last. Good thing they ask leading questions cause I didn't have a clue what to say.
But it took from 6 until 7 to get the hissy girl to shut up so I couldn't hear her anymore. And then it was our turn to be in the spotlight so to speak. Nervous as hell. Cried a bit due to emotions. I really don't remember much of what was said now. I know that I was asked what I want for B and I do remember saying that I want him to stay sober. To develope a relationship with his girls. That I want him to know that he can take care of himself, respect himself, love himself.
B had said that he didn't know why I stayed with him. Why I was even at the meeting last night. That he really screwed up our relationship with the alcohol and that he didn't want to hurt me anymore. That was surprising. And made me cry more. Why? I'm not really sure. Maybe a sense of relief that it wasn't just me. That I did perceive the situation correctly. That I wasn't crazy. Who knows. I just know that it tugged at something.
But by the time we were done I was ready to get the hell out of there. I needed space. I needed to be able to breath without having to think about it. So I took off right away. Went to my friends where the kiddo's were. I was hungry as I hadn't eaten yet so I started eating a bowl of chili. The stress and the emotions hit. And my bowl of chili didn't stay with me. 
Talk about a body's unconscious response. Wow.
****
Today we had our family therapy session. I had to wait when I got there. B was already in with the mediator. They were going over a few things. So then I got to go in and we started where we left off last week. With the push/pull dynamics of our relationship. And how I dumped a lot of stuff in his lap last week. And B's reaction to it. Slam the wall up. And how I perceived that the wall was half way up already and I was throwing what I could over the wall before he shut it.
We got alot of the hurt and anger out. But in a healthy way. I didn't have to yell at him for him to hear it. I was able to tell him how I felt about his suicide attempt 2 years ago. And how the recent direction towards that again just 4 weeks ago brought all the pain of that back. And how I resented that he couldn't see that we cared about him and needed him and he could only think of the easy way out. And that I'd be left behind with that legacy and would have to be reminded of it each and everyday that I looked at our girls.
He talked about his hurt that I had people to turn to. That he let his drinking drive away all his friends. That he drank us into financial ruin. And that he had a lot to correct. And we talked a little about what he's been going through while in the program. And what he wants. And timelines and such. Looks like we are both on the same page as far as a timeline. 1 - 2 years to get things worked out, if we do.
The mediator was able to get us to see how we had feeling of rejection on both sides. And that our communication needs to be centered on what we actually hear not how we feel at the moment. And when she says that she said she meant that we both need to stay centered on the conversation and not let our feelings dictate what we may think we hear.
And we talked some on how we both need to feel connected. That we lost touch of the emotional connection. That any physical demonstation (hand holding) is going to be stinted in where the emotional connection is. And that B being a male needed the physical connection to make him feel needed and I being a woman needed an emotional connection before any physical connection was going to be achieved. Rather interesting. I know all that as for book knowledge. But actually feeling that is entirely different.
I've got a lot of food for thought. I've got my meeting tonight so that is good. B gets his 24 hour medallion tonight. So I asked him if he wanted me there when he got it. He started in on the I don't know how it's run. So I had to repeat the question. And the mediator interjected and told him that I was telling him it was his choice, his decision. So he said yes. So tonight when I get there I'll make sure we can do that. I've seen it done before so I think I can. If not I'll just wait until the meeting is over to see him.
And he gets a 4 hour pass this weekend. And that's what started our session. They were discussing that before I got there. They were going to let him go today if we wanted to. And I said that I didn't know if he wanted to spend time alone with me. She asked what B might have said or done that gave me impression. Well since all time together had been with the kids or in the family session last night and he'd expressed no interest in having me come up alone I just thought that he was more comfortable when there were others around. He really didn't feel that way at all but he didn't know that I needed to hear that.
Interesting how the mind works. We'll have another session set up for next week. And I'll be at the Thursday night meeting again. And we'll have our Sunday outing. But for now I'm just concentrating on tonight. I've got my own meeting to go to and it'll be good to just go and get some grounding in my own self again.
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