Well I've had a productive 3 days.  Talked to the family mediator on the phone on Tuesday.  Told her I didn't need her anymore.  I turned to my support group that was there for me.  Was able to process my disappointment with B and my frustrations with this whole treatment thing.  Still hurt by being shut out the way I was.  She still wanted me to talk about it though.  I suppose so she could see where B and I were as far as our communication.   After telling her about it and my decision to pull back and the subsequent actions from B she had a very interesting comment.

 

"You know in what I've seen of your relationship and the communication you have and the actions you both do I would have to say I could describe the dynamics between you and B as a push/pull relationship.  You push he pulls back.  You pull back and B pulls you back in."

 

Gee, do you think?  Sarcasm intended there.  But having it put in words gives me pause.  That is exactly how we are.  Always have been I suppose.  Is it bad?  Not particularly.  It was in the respect that we didn't know what we were doing.  And when I say - know what we were doing - I mean fully aware and making the choice in our actions.  It was unconsiously done.  At least on my part.  I just know that after pushing for so long I give up.  Completely.  Total lack of interest, communication, care. 

 

One thing I've learned from this development is - Hey, it's not a bad thing.  I just have to realize I'm doing the pushing and find a better way of getting what I need.  And it's worked.  That's what I did on Sunday.  I just started with the small stuff.  Like the list I saw on his wall by the bathroom door.  It was a list of articles allowed in the residents rooms.  I read it out loud.  B hearing me read it took off from there.  And we were communicating on what his daily existence at the center was.  Information I'd craved from day one.  Just what is it you do there.  I never wanted to know what he talked about in his sessions.  I knew that already cause I'd lived through that.  But I didn't know when he got up, what he could do, when he ate, when he could make calls.  Normal everyday things.  Strange?  Not really.

 

Now, after that revelation I have lunch with a friend and she made a comment about how I look better than I did on Friday.  Friday she was afraid I'd be on the psych ward.  I guess I really went past the point of no return in my frustrations.  So she asked what was different.  Me...I feel informed.  So we were talking some more and we started talking about the whole control issue.  With both B and I wanting to be in control.  I never really thought of myself as a controlling person by nature.  But with the revelation of the fact that being informed makes me more sane I realized that - Hey I am kinda of a control freak in ways.  I don't want to control the situation but dammit I want to know everything.  I want the ins and outs of everything.  Not the nitty gritty details but I want to know the steps.  What you're doing to get somewhere and how long it's going to be. 

 

Another friend said that it is related to the drinking.  I had no control over that.  So I took control over in every other aspect.  Then resented that.  The childrearing was a big thing.  Since B was drunk most of the time that was all my baby.  The feeding, bathing, discipline.  And I hated both sides of it.  I hated that I was the one doing it but then resented it when B tried to step in and help.  Sort of like dammit help me but do it my way.  CONTROL!!!!  HELLO!!!!  So I'm working on that.

 

Also I've been reading alot about relationships and different aspects of it.  I've taken a couple of quick relationship personality tests and have seen that I tend to be the Romatic/Giver type of personality.  I'm still reading up on those things and have a book I'll be going out to buy.  Maybe B will even be open to taking a look at it.  See what type of relationship personality he is.  Maybe what we can do to make a go of it.  Because with the drinking gone I see the man that would sometimes peek out in the beginning of our relationship.  The one that drew me to him.  The ugly monster that pushed me away is slowly fading into the background.  Thats not to say he's gone or ever will be entirely.  But there is possibility there now. 

 

One thing I'm also realizing is that all of these things I'm learning about is who I am.  Who the Lord wanted me to be.  They aren't bad things.  As long as I'm aware of them and they don't rule me.  They can even be good things at times.  My controlling (wanting to be informed) nature will go a long way in me being a parent.  And a parent to my children not my husband.  That one I have to give over to B's Higher Power.  I'm not his mom.  I repeat...I'm not his mom.  That may just stick in my head.  If it does I'm over hurdle one. 

 

*****

 

Ok My Rant.  I just have to get this off my chest cause a situation happened last night that made me think...Just why in the hell some people are allowed to be parents.  Ok I know how they got to be parents.  Some of them the same way I did.  They got pregnant.  But you know...There is all these things you have to do in order to adopt a child.  Why don't they do that for people who have their own children?

 

Here's the deal.  I have an aquaintence.  I see her every Wednesday night for our bowling league.  She's recently divorced.  Early last year.  She has a new boyfriend.  Just last summer.  She has a 14 year old son from the marriage.  She spends every minute with the new boyfriend.  And I mean every free minute.  She constantly talks about the boyfriend.  She goes to his house.  She stays at his house.  And where is the son?  Out running around taking care of himself.  Where's the Dad?  Busy with his own life.  They do the token gestures.  Take him to school in the moring.  Bring him food to eat.  Call him on his phone to see where he is and what he's doing.  Are either of them there to make sure he eats supper, does his homework, goes to bed at a decent hour?  Not really.

 

So last night this gals brother comes to bowling (he had to leave work) to tell this gal that the police were at her house.  Her house is trashed I guess.  It was messy the last time I was in it last summer.  Never went there again.  Turns out that the water to the house has been shut off for the last 2 1/2 weeks.  The furnace had gone out the week prior to that.  They had a gas leak inbetween the furnace and the water.  All of this while the 14 year old lived there.  And the mom spent the nights at the boyfriends house.  So anyway someone somewhere intervened.  Thank the good Lord.  Had I known about all of the above I'd have made an anonymous call 2 weeks ago.

 

So why is it some parents just don't know how to be parents?  Frustrates the hell out of me.  All I could say last night was it's about time.  She brought the situation on herself.  Am I sorry she may loose her son to child services.  I can't say that I am.  Sorry for the boy.  He didn't ask for any of this.  Sorry for her.  Nope.  But to top it all off.  After leaving early last night instead of going to find her son and making sure he's alright and doing the things she needs to do as a parent she goes to her boyfriends house.  Hello!!!!   Something just isn't right there.  My kids come first.  But then again I'd consider myself a good parent.

 

Ok done ranting.  Off to enjoy my Thursday and to get ready for tonight.  I've been invited to the Thursday night Family Meeting Night.  Like I said Progress.  Progress not perfection.  As long as the progress is 100 percent given I'll be right there to show my support. 

Glad to hear you're feeling better, feeling that progress is being made!

I'm a controller, too, but I think mine stems from being single til I was almost 30. My dad always taught us to be independent, and that meant running our own things, so now, I want to run everything my way.

As for the situation with the woman from bowling, I think she deserves a great big smack upside the head with a brick. DsD's mom was very similar to that, but DH always has had custody. But even when they were still married, it was all about her. She was never there for the kids unless it was convenient for her. (How many non-birth fathers get custody of a child? DH did of his son (he adopted him when he and his ex got married)!)

I do feel sorry for the boy. Maybe he'll get put in a great foster home. I'll pray for him.

Best of luck tonight! :)

Hugs,
April