Well yesterday went as well as I expected it to go.  I got there right before the meeting.  I brought him his shirts and the Visine for Contacts that he asked me to bring.  I had asked them when I checked in if I could give them to B.   They told me to just give them to the nurse when they let me in the unit.  So I did.

B came into the room where the meeting was with an attitude already.  Something probably happened in group.  His addiction counselor asked the mediator to give him a minute of his time before we started.  So he came in and sat down in the other chair in the room.  He asked if I had brought the Visine.  When I told him I had just given it to the nurse he got upset.  He wanted me to give it to him so he could keep it in his pocket and not have to ask for it.  Then he asked if I'd brought the cell phone.  Nope.  Didn't think so.   And he got more upset.

The mediator finally came in.  She explained what the purpose of the meeting was.  To talk about what had brought B to treatment.  The events leading up to it.  Where we saw ourselves going.  What we wanted out of our relationship.  So I told her great the letter I wrote would answer all of those questions.  So I gave her an updated copy, one for B (which she asked him to not read along with and just listen) and the one I read from.  I'm not going to post the whole letter here again.  There were some additions.  A short note to B.  Some more of my feelings and a list of things I need.

As I read through it B got angrier.  He fidgeted in his chair until by the time I was done reading it he had managed to twist in his chair until his back was almost to me.  (We were sitting side by side with our chairs turned toward each other slightly.)  Why was he so angry.  It happened.  We were both there.  Nothing should be news to him.  Well except maybe some of my feelings and those that R, our oldest daughter has expressed to me.

When I got done the mediator called him on his anger.  Said she could tell when he came in that he was angry.  One thing I did get out of everything he said was he wishes he had the time to do this (waving the eight pages he held in his hand).  That he's busy doing his assignments.  His letters.  Going to meetings and group and sessions. 

She said she sensed a power struggle going on between us.  That our communication was poor.  Do you think?  As for the power struggle.  Hmmm, yea maybe.  I mean, I'm his wife.  I'm supposed to be supportive of him.  But he's shutting me out.  It's my insurance this is giong through.  I feel I have the right to know at least how the facility is run.  What sort of treatment he's getting.  How he's doing.  And even that basic question - How is he doing today phsyically? - has to be ok'ed through B.

I even brought up Wednesdays phone calls.  3 of them.  All good.  Did I question the motive of them?  Sure who wouldn't.  But it was nice.  And I even told him so.  I said that it seemed to me that he genuinely wanted me to be a part of what he was going through. That had he asked me to come up and visit that night I would have skipped bowling and gone.   He snorted (actually snorted) and goes... Yea right.  You skip bowling.  I returned his volley.  Yes B I have skipped bowling before for things that are important.

He doesn't want the girls to see him in the hospital.  He's afraid he'll break down.  Well he already did.  And I think R handled it like a champ.  Did she get teary eyed?  Sure.  But she didn't loose her head and start running around in circles.

No matter what I said or how I said B could not hear that I was trying to be supportive of him.  He fell back on his standard.  You're right.  You're always right.  I'm a failure.  Litany.  Aggravating?  Yes.  But I just let him go with his anger.  Maybe they'll learn something from it.  He didn't yell.  But he didn't communicate with me either.  He spoke to the mediator.  Not me.  The meeting ended with him saying... Well it's probably lunch time.  And he got up and left. 

Knowing that it was Thursday Night Family Night I thought I would give it one more shot at showing my support.  So just after 5 I called.  A woman answered the phone.  A patient or a nurse I couldn't tell you.  But I asked to talk to B.  So she went to find him.  A little bit later she comes back and says he's eating can I take a message.  Hmmm they don't eat at 5 that I know of.  And he knew it was me on the phone.  There is no one else that calls him.  So I go..."Yes, I know tonight is family night and I was calling to see if HE wanted me to come in for it."  Off she goes again.   When she comes back she goes..."He says thanks, but no thanks."  My response.  "Alright,  I got that message loud and clear.  Thank you."   and hung up.

Yep he's pissed.  Why do I care?  I don't know.  Am I trying anymore?  Nope.  I'm calling the social worker, counselor or mediator to tell them it was very inappropriate for him to put someone else in the middle of that situation.  And that I will not be calling them or him anymore.  I've got information being sent on a legal seperation.  Do I want to do it?  Not really.  But I must move on with my life and trust that this is the path my Lord has planned for me.  And then I need to sit down and look at why I fight it so bad.  I haven't been the best judge of direction for my life on my own.  Why don't I just give in and quit fighting God's plan.  Quit fighting being pushed out of B's life.  So that is just what I'm going to do right afer I have myself a good cry.