Ok.  It looks like I not only rocked the boat I tipped it over.  In the process B decide to get on board the moving boat and not the floating one. 

I felt much better after I let loose my frustrations this weekend and Monday.  I felt even better after writing that letter.  And editing it to add more.  At least if B wasn't going anywhere I was.  My feet were moving even if I didn't know the outcome of my path.  I am trusting in the Lord that he will ensure my feet land where they belong.

I got results.  I got answers.  But I also got a ton more questions.  B called me at 4:45 yesterday.  He sounded upbeat, positive.  He wasn't slurring his words so they have backed off on his meds some.  I still don't know how much or what he was all on and for what reasons.  Maybe I'll have some of those answers tomorrow.

This phone call from him though was the first positive one we've had since he's entered the treatment program.  I'm not going to roll over and allow myself to be steam rolled by it.  But it was nice not to end it with my blood pressure rising.  So the reason he called...to tell me he was looking forward to our meeting on Thursday.

Ok who hit you on the head?     How did you go from wanting nothing to do with me to looking forward to seeing me?  What is it you really want?  Is it cause you got my message?  Is it sincere?

I asked B what was going on too.  He tells me he had 2 really good sessions yesterday.  Turns out that the couselor took my paperwork I gave him and made a list of points.  Asked B about them and he agreed with all of them.  WOW.      Holy buckets.  Did he have a revelation here?  I'm not holding my breath.     But it's a start.  Starting is good.  Even if my rocking the boat and dumping his butt into the deep waters was what may have started it. 

He hasn't actually read what I wrote.  And tomorrow may be another story when I do read the final outcome of my thoughts.  But I am not going to be bamboozled by him.  It's a long road.  I see a good year or better before I can fully say...Yes you're in recovery.  Yes my trust quotient is on the very low scale.  But it was also the first thing to go and will more than likely be the last thing for him to gain back.

He called again this morning.  Once again in a good mood.     Just wanted to visit.  To tell me he was feeling good today.  Did they go over the "you have to open the lines of communication lesson"?  Or the "Hey...this is how you are supposed to treat someone you say you love lesson"?  Or maybe the 180 is trully a 180 and he's finally gotten some of it. 

Because honestly I know the letter I wrote yesterday sounds bad.  Believe me I've reread it several times.  And each time I do I think...What the Hell was I thinking, doing, feeling?  But there are good points.  Hidden somewhere in all of that bad alcoholic inappropriate behavior.  I've seen it.  It's just been years since it's been displayed. 

But I will hold myself responsible for only my own actions and feelings.  And right now?  I'm wary.  I'm keeping my "smoke screen" up so to speak to make sure that smoke isn't blown up my @$$.  I don't regret a single action or word from this weekend.  Which is a change for me too.  Before I would have been back peddling.  Today however I can still say I meant every word, every action, every thought.  And that to me is progress.